thru her eyes

29 and a week and still no post

2011-11-02T22:48:00.002+08:00

oh gosh, i'm old. the other day i was telling eck that when i was younger, i looked forward to being older because i was told ... no, promised that i wont have zits as i grow old. big lie. big fat pimple lie. today, i'm 29 and a week old, i have black heads mounting my face, i squirm at the facial bed and my face is not zit free.

and i didnt give my 28 - something list. and i cant remember what my list was suppose to be about. isit about being awesome?

I shall procrastinate no more. i shall do a list. a 29 something list. at how 29 is, awesome. even though my hair is falling out.

not in particular order, but i somehow feel like counting down today:

29: at 28 i didnt get a single birthday cake. at 29, i got 4 cakes and a 3-tier glutinous rice. 29 rocks!

28: the woman who sells me my organic cream in Laos (who gets it from Chiangmai) wants to pay me to be a tour guide

27: i misheard blending for branding and i insisted that the visiting tv crew cannot conduct at interview at the control center. my hearing might be failing but 29 still rocks!

26: climbing tank and not panting

25. climbing jetty loading arm, getting my hand oil stained and not complaining

24. stood out at the boat deck with camera crew and dint feel faint / pukish. a testament that i'm still young

23. seek reiki treatment rather than doctor's medicine. young people seek the alternative!

22. received a bouquet of bears and didnt throw it at the sender

21. had an awesome birthday - starting with a surprise at the door - and a huge fudge cake to end the day

20. have friends that buy you steamboat dinner. actually they didnt offer to buy. i offered them to buy me dinner. shameless like that

19. 11 months, 3 weeks to 30. i have that much time before i turn 30 forever!!

18. lived past 27. like wayyy pass!!

17. still cant do chaturanga or a decent warrior pose. but managed to stand on my head for more than 30 seconds! - actually i was 28 when that happened

16. i got a globe!!

15. i celebrated my birthday (albeit 2 days late) with 6 other people. major family bash

14. wants to go for a yoga retreat. wants to clean my nose / colon / stomach etc

13. if you cant lose weight, make your partner fat! its working

12. turned up for a surprised dinner party even though i knew its a surprise party!! getting more matured eh??

11. i cant tink now. will update later.

holy moo

2011-09-29T20:35:00.001+08:00

less than a month and not a single list of 28 something generated! tsk!

the great list of 28s

2011-09-25T02:11:00.001+08:00

i am 1 month 2 days away from celebrating my last 20 something birthday.

i shall dedicate this remaining months to a list of 28 somethings.

yea, i am bored that way.

first syawal - welcome

2011-08-30T02:14:00.002+08:00

a good night. the baby was here. so was the older brother, my sis and my bil.

i tossed cushions and my big pillow at dad. a few of them. sis said if its any other father i would have been banished.

no ketupat was hurt during the cushion throwing ordeal.

i love the smell of charcoal burning, the traditional stove we use to cook the ketupat, the sight of the ketupat hanging. i love them all.

as i stepped out of the lift today, it ran thru my head - home is where the familiar sight of the stove, the big pot and knowing there's enuf ketupat to feed 8 household. i love hari raya. i love syawal. i love my family and all the silliness they bring.

we are complete tonight. Allah, thank you for giving me this life. :)

learning to care about words

2011-08-23T21:25:00.003+08:00

often the things we say get us into trouble. it didnt get me into trouble but i was fed up. who knew so little words can create so much drama? some people love drama. i'm glad that on a scale of 10 (1 being the least and 10 being the most - these days talking to the boy has always been about scale). i sit on 5 - the same number i never allow boy to choose. Today i got to know someone who sits on 12. He loves drama so much he makes things up.

Get a life la. really.

because sometimes love aint enough

2011-08-17T09:41:00.002+08:00

the boy and i got barely enough sleep last night as a result of a late night date. We played 21 games at West Coast park. I asked, he answered.

At some point in time, i stopped getting to know him. To know the real him. I got frustrated, he kept quiet. So i prepared an opening speech and read it out. He laughed, said i was not professional (i was vetting my script as i read). But it melted the ice, the barrier we had in the last few days.

Through 21 questions, i got to know the boy better. Last night i had a good sleep. It was either from the lack of sleep the last 2 days or the cold wind from the ride home. Yesterday, boy proved to me: KPE is darn hot when you're on a bike. And then it gets uber freezing when it exits at Tampines Road. All these time, i said he made it up. "If its cold, blast the car air con", i would tell him. He rolled his eye.

Today, i know the boy better. Today, i know why in order of importance, its job, holiday and a plate of mutton satay.

I am writing more frequently these days. I re-discovered my love for writing through the many love/hate letters and speeches to boy.

I hope to keep that up and keep blogging. this blog looks sad.

chant

2011-08-16T18:08:00.000+08:00

everyday from today, i will chant "sail sail sail sail sail"
and i will wait for the good news in sept!

should i sail?

2011-08-16T13:21:00.001+08:00

I am invited to live on a boat and sail to England and back to Amsterdam for 6 days. I should consider it.

Right?

i cannot get over it!

2011-08-16T03:53:00.002+08:00

2 weeks?? 2 weeks??
come on man! seriously?

i am so going to call you tomorrow morning and i dont care if its 2am your time!

2 weeks!!!???

people always leave..

2011-08-16T03:42:00.002+08:00

.. but sometimes they come back

twice today, people have left me. I wish that one will return.

When i got the message i was in shock. The only thing playing in my head was, "omg! i must have made such a big racket about paper sizes that his leaving". But i know that's not true. Still, it doesnt make me feel any less guilty and i do feel as if i am the cause of his departure. I am shocked (its 3.45am and i just re-read the mail again). Like seriously. Ok, so he has not been paying enough attention to me (i cant say us, since i am not sure about how he treats the rest of the girls), but then again, i usually copy him on things, hence, not expecting a response. Ok but seriously, 2 weeks notice? Are we serious here? I mean come on, I am feeling shit guilty, although i know i'm not at fault in any way (oh god i hope not) with all the screaming and bitching and throwing of tantrum i had one over a brochure, and now a paper size. COME ON! stay and fight me on this!! And i need my policies!!

And i thought i was going to have an awesome mentor..

I am invited to live on a boat - to sail from Rotterdam to Ipswich and back to Amsterdam.

delhi belly!

2011-06-23T22:02:00.002+08:00

i hope not! i have had my jabs and my malaria pills. Now, i am soo ready to take on India!

After Gujarat, i shall fly back to Delhi. I shall visit Taj Mahal and i shall do the things i've been wanting to do!

years of researching, reading, wanting, wishing, praying.. India's finally here!

maybe i should sign up in a yoga school and get some ohm going. maybe i should go to kerala and sit by the back waters. maybe i should give mumbai another chance and walk linking road. i'm so excited. But first, i need to survive Gujarat.

give.think-tanks

2011-05-28T23:09:00.002+08:00

today, i am reminded to give and share love. the gang of volunteers gathered at the home as early as 8am to offload tea and coffee bags. Later on, the diapers came. We collected too much so we decided to share the love with another home.

The morning, was slow. the guys mingled with the old folks. Then when the sound system blared the first hokkien song, uncles tapped their feet, discreetly at first.

i asked one of them "do you want to sing?" he sang, acapella. He is about 65 i would think. As the songs played on, many got on to their feet. The ones in the wheel chair got up and grabbed lucy and i. she wanted to go on stage to dance. and so we brought her up for a song.

i asked an elderly man if he wanted to sing. he grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the stage. he gestured me to step aside as he kicked off his shoes. Yes, he kicked off his shoes. And then, he held my hand and made me cha cha to dancing queen. after the song, he proudly told me, "and that is how you dance". before he staggered down the stairs. he cracked me up.

meal time came. the gang split into groups. spontaneously. we first started with the drinks, then the green bean soup, then the soup. boy oh boy, they can eat. shi said that when they found out that we catered food for them, their eyes lit. simple things make them happy.

love love came. i am so so glad he did. he knows this is important to me and he came. he knows that i enjoy the extra activities outside of work and dating. i guess that's his way of visiting me in my world. again, i am so glad he did.

thank you. i am again reminded that we are all blessed and we need to give back.

do your part.

headache

2011-05-15T19:33:00.002+08:00

there are so many things to do?
seriously?

oh god.

let's see if we can pull this off.

the necessary spending

2011-04-04T23:35:00.001+08:00

i need to buy cds again.

as i grow older

2011-04-04T23:31:00.002+08:00

there is a possibility that my taste in music is evolving.

or perhaps, the familiar sounds of explosions in the sky, mogwai, god speed, black mountain that came together makes it less scary.

for the record, i didnt enjoy the mogwai gig years back.

about a boy

2011-03-09T20:07:00.003+08:00

"i want to be with her.
I want to be with her all the time.
I want to tell her things i dont even tell you or mum.
and i dont want her to have another boyfriend.
i suppose if i can have those, i wont really mind if i touch her or not."

if a boy tells you that, his a keeper.

double date fiesta

2011-03-08T17:17:00.002+08:00

at last count, i have 3 double dates lined up. the more people know about this, the more dates we get invited to.

this is exciting. after years of exiting the dating scene, this much has changed?

i'm closing the application for double dating. in the words of my sweet sweet boy from BY, "jangan kacau la!" loosely translated to "dont bother us!"

I need to write empty statements. words that mean nothing and cannot mean anything. my job has taken me to a whole new level of emptiness.

a series of coincidental events?

2011-03-06T22:35:00.003+08:00

last week was a bit weird for me and the boy.

late in the week, we were 'discovered' by his teammate. "an intelligent guess", JC said. we didnt believe him.

So when JC pinged me the day after, he asked "how was kambing soup?"

"excellent", i said "you should join us sometime"

I asked how did he find out. JC said "your boyfriend is not all that poker face you know." Its true, the boy cant lie. it seems that the boy looked awkward when i stopped by at the control room. that's how JC suspected.

*shrugs*

anyway, now that the mystery is uncovered, we're invited to go to the Universal Studios with JC and gf. i'll come back on this point.

after we thought that we have deal with all the shocks we could take for the week, the boy had more coming his way. buds, out of nowhere told the boy that he should try to get close to me, get to know me better. the boy, cant even think of a way to react.

somehow, the conversation led to bud's school days when he "sound a girl steady", and how he did it. and buds told the boy he should do that during the tournament the next day.

unfortunately, i wasnt there when the boy scored his (only) goal. so, no show for anyone to see.

its getting very weird.

about doing couply things, we have a double dinner date with my fav SHE tech this fri. and now we have USS invites. i've never done couply stuff before. how hard can this be?

returning to the mat

2011-02-24T14:54:00.003+08:00

After close to 6 months of hiatus, i have decided to go back to serious yoga. Twice a week, no negotiations, not even a pass if the date tempts. Everything else has not worked. I blame it on the lack of discipline. I need to lose weight. Not for vanity sake but for health. That statement doesnt sound right but you get my point.

There's a couple of reasons why i've been feeling restless. I'm not as engaged as i want to. I told Eck this a few nights ago. Last night i told the boy. Does settling down equate a less than exciting life? Somebody tell me cause my brain is driving me nuts.

In 3 weeks i'll be a reservist widow. No phone, no camera device, the SMS reminder said. No 10-cent coins either, the boy quipped. Imagine how much 10-cent coins he'll be lugging around just to meet our average night calls. Too much.

There's a wet look - look at the top of my heart. Kinda odd. i started getting this last week in BKK. Its the water, the fat one said. I doubt it. I think its my hair condition.

thanks go google translation, i managed to read an email in dutch. thanks to social media, i have a new way of responding to crisis. I am thinking of opening a group account for rec club but shall not, for fear of getting another attack from HQ. I must behave.

someone from the past stopped by 2 days back. Its just weird..

back to my research on 30th anniversary commemorative gifts and event planning.

oh, life.

sengkang dispatches

2011-02-13T13:28:00.002+08:00

i am potentially losing you. i am not sure how i feel about that yet.
my only advise is not to settle. he nodded.
we'll see.

i'm really surprise that you told me.

visit your boyfriend at work day

2011-02-09T23:09:00.002+08:00

i thought i'll be nice and bring cake to the boardman on duty. and cake i brought, only to realise the westside boy is not boardman. then why in the world was he at the board when i first came to say hi?

the thing about the boy is, he looks serene. i am calm just by looking at him. i had a plate of alice's special yusheng, i ate as i talked to the rest of they boys. i offered it to him, someone said, allergic to veg. he wriggled his nose. so cute i can just pinch him then and then. but i cant. otherwise, the whole team would want me to pinch them.

i didnt see him again afterwards because i was in the room, catching up with my fav girl. afterwards, i became cake lady.

after i left, i texted him about the cake. "there's no cake at CCR, sweetheart" he said. i told him where exactly i left it. he said there were no more but he helped himself to a huge slice in the fridge.

Let's fatten you up *rub hands with glee* i sad. no! he said.

a good lunch. thank you.

the afternoon was terrible. with 1 fire at hand, i had a battle curbing my temper. not fun. but thankfully, for colleagues who made me laugh. and in the evening check on me to make sure i'm still laughing.

and a CIO who sent an apology letter. i guess that wraps up this day.

taman rashidah utama

2011-01-27T18:22:00.002+08:00

Saturday night, YK sang the song at the talent show. Yesterday, that song was on replay on my ipod.
So my reaction was delayed. but for a good reason. i dont wanna grieve over death. i grieve over heartbreaks.
Sat night i won another bet.
Victory is sweet! told the boys that i'm tired of winning and they should really try harder the next time.

got my first jersey and a trophy. something about being proud while sitting on the bench while watching the boy you like sweating it out at the court. he said he could have given me the sweaty jersey if i had asked then. Told him i want it now, after its washed and smelling like fresh breath of air - which reminds me of him.

he suggested we do up our favourite song list. i told him the story of Champion Record Store and its owner. He agrees to a categorised list. i enjoy feeling like a storybook character and having someone to share my stories with. time to bring up the top 5 songs. he'll have a shocker when he knows where "love song - the cure" sits on the list.

ah fat and i are hitting bkk. and now there's a coup. great.

night shift widow

2011-01-21T23:58:00.000+08:00

getting use to the time shift. things are good.

is this the place i've been dreaming of?

2010-12-16T13:58:00.003+08:00

male chivalry is breathing its last breath. i wanted to title this entry "of courtship" but decided otherwise.

once, in a time where we will probably never experience again, men would court ladies to win their heart. In books which i read (i am a fairy tale lover that way, princes would travel far and out to seek the fair maiden to ask for her hand. Ladies are romanced and had 'their breath taken away'.

These days, i hardly hear of romance. A marriage proposal sounds like this "Want to queue for a flat?" yea, sure. Have we lost that spark of romance in us? Do girls no longer want to be courted? Do boys not want to court us? Are we too lazy in the dating game.

Let's be clear. I want to be courted. In fact, i told a particular gentleman that i want to be courted. Flat out, no negotiations. And his reply was in the line of "i'm not doing it, so you (me) can stop waiting, even if you are upset, i wont bother pacifing you. Kalau you marah, nanti kena jual."

his driving me nuts.

so i decided to take matters in my own hand. I am courting him.

you made my night

2010-12-15T00:13:00.001+08:00

the thinking corner seems to be playing a big role in our lives.

this is where we have many of our 'first'

great.

late nights

2010-12-14T21:06:00.002+08:00

i learnt an important thing in the first relationship i was in. when its his mistake, you must make allowances. when its yours, its the end.

i have been cautious. i had my heart broken at 24 (or perhaps 25). it was the best experience ever. unfortunately, it was better than the relationship. I am not a cynic. I believe in love and happiness, just not mine. Unfortunately i never had the privilege of being spoilt. i didnt enjoy the candidness of being in a relationship. it was fun, yes, but i had to tip toe. and it was tiring.

the prolonged phone call sessions had been interesting. it messes up my days but i look forward to the nights.

and i messed it up. as expected.

so this will be another fond memory, shelved with the rest of the memories about the story of my love life.

like some wise person said, its better to experience than not.

a weekend to reflect - checked

2010-12-12T22:49:00.002+08:00

my trip was short. 1 night. but that is all it takes for me to clear my head and make a decision.
about 1 thing at least.

About the trip
We chalet was above sea. everytime someone showers, you can hear the water streaming down the pipes and going directly into the sea. we have funny wooden black thingies over our bedspread. i think it came from the atap roof. it stormed last night. we cuddled (with our pillows) under cover. i didnt sleep soundly, but i slept early.

the girls teased me about my deprived sleep. i rolled over and rolled my eyes.
we talked, enough to keep nette nette out of boredom. she jumped off the jetty with some newfound friends.
i am a red lobster. its starting to hurt. i forgot to take toe aloe vera from shi. tomorrow she'll dispatch she said.

nette nette did her reflections. she swam and hiked

shi shi watched alex and emma, ate and kayak

About thinking
i listened to alot of music and came to a decision. 3 hours after i got back, i executed the plan. its crazy, it hurts, but it has to be done.

i think that i went out of my way the last few weeks for things. i am amazed at myself and i'm doubly amazed where its leading me to. i guess time will tell. i wont think so much about it. i'm here for the ride and i do want to end up at a good destination.

i have to catch some sleep now. tomorrow night will be a different story.

when multi tasking is not a good thing

2010-11-24T00:05:00.002+08:00

i made a decision to withdraw from the program. i'm not learning when i should and my mind drift where it shouldnt. i tried, not enough, but i tried. i told a friend that i knew it was time to give up. he said that i should have a marker, the 5km, 10km mark. but i know that it wouldnt work for me. i dont do well with markers. i'm just like that.

i watched this video on PBS which slapped me in the face. it taught me that scientifically, human brain is more productive when not multi tasking. those who claim to multi task well might have the tendency to have shorter attention span. so i'm gonna take it slower now. i have come to realise that the quality of life is more important than speed. i might have grown up that way. i may not have seen enough or seen the world. i learn from experience and i have grown from there.

2010 is wrapping up and i'm glad to have made friends whom i'll be keeping. i might have lost some along the way. i am sorry for that but sometimes, circumstances are tough. i'm not going to make excuses, i will just leave it as that.

i try and i love that ppl around me supports that.

coming few weeks, i'm taking a trip with 2 girls i've known in 2010. its our emo trip. a trip to cry, reflect and get help from God. I am serious. we need that! and if this works, this will be my yearly emo retreat.

let's look forward to tomorrow. i smell a treat. love

out of love?

2010-11-15T00:13:00.002+08:00

Just because i'm not blogging doesnt mean i dont love you anymore.

I am overwhelmed with mass communication theories, research theories and eccentric environments. forgive me. my nose is runny for 1 hour and blocked the other hour. my arteries are blocked and i'm not making this up. my world is spinning and my head is aching. i just want to get this over and done with. if i have a choice, i will re-do these 2 modules. i have learnt 20% of what i'm suppose to. i am not impress.

i hate my life now. i'm sorry if i have neglected you.

waking up feeling none-the-wiser

2010-10-29T00:27:00.002+08:00

people are amazed that i dont celebrate birthdays.
the Dutch congratulate you on turning older
people apologise and chide you for not reminding them

"you shld be celebrating"
"i am. My life is a celebration"
"shall we sing you a song?" the engineers of seb teased

the day after my birthday, its sponge-off-spg-wannabe-day. apple-on-a-box and i ate, drank and ride on her expense. we talked about boys. like regular girls. we scout the phonebook for boys, like regular girls. we swore off some boys, like regular girls.

i blushed when the birthday-tom was mentioned. why oh why? now seb will be, awkward.

indeed, the social media is a useful calendar. i think i received more wishes this year than past years. as i get older, the presents get lesser. but each gift carries more meaning.

i pray for a smooth weekend and smoother end of the year. i'm nervous about work and school matters leading up to the close of the year.

let me work on your strength.

2 months!!

2010-10-24T17:00:00.002+08:00

its exactly 2 months before the trip out!
3 weeks out of comfort zone. minimal internet, minimal convenience.

"we'll send you to lukla for 5 days. no trekking, i promise" T said.
"but what will i do there?" i asked
"nothing. isnt that the ideal holiday?" T replied

*silence*

"we'll take a trip out of ktm. let's find a few places" bear said

but we cant go to sri lanka. (sorry fi). there's no direct flight and the tickets are more expensive than flying from SG to KTM. ridiculous!

I'm looking forward to leaving the books, the literature reviews, the academic writings, the concept papers and jalan bahar. even if its for 3 weeks. more so, i am looking forward to fresh mountain air, snow and fresh momo. goodbye haze.

i received an invitation that i dont know how to react to. so i replied with a joke. complication is brewing. if only i know what to do.

Winter shopping. i need a nice jacket, waterproof that will match my boots without making me look like a yak.

back to the books.

stye

2010-10-18T15:22:00.001+08:00

ouch.
this is costing me a lot.
cause i have to pay for new specs.
since i cant wear contacts for the next few days.
urghhh
everytime i have a 'save money' campaign, this happens.
WHY???

a year wiser

2010-10-16T00:14:00.002+08:00

this year will be no different. i will not be celebrating my bday. i will not be expecting presents but welcome well wishes and love from everyone who cares.

but i am expecting one present. from an elevation of twenty thousand feet.

the car-dare-shee-en

2010-10-08T21:15:00.002+08:00

i'm in the middle of my soon kueh and chee cheong fun dinner, watching trash tv and the Kardasian ad came up.

see, if i can translate the kardashian to this family, its a given, didi is kourtney. ann should be kim, with her "1,2,3, pose" and i guess i'm fat khloe.

sad.

the sentence that doesnt make sense

2010-10-01T20:40:00.003+08:00

nobody starts a sentence with "just got up a hill 5000m" and ends it with "haha"

i would have said it this way "got up a hill 5000m" followed by "@#^$%^&$%^&$#%#$%#@"

or

"why did i do that?"

or

"this is going to hurt"

or

"because i have nothing better to do"

nobody should end it with "haha"

only a Sherpa boy would.

now that time is the matter...

2010-09-28T00:11:00.002+08:00

some months back, i whined about not having much to do. but today, i have too much to do.

it starts on 31 august when my life changed. i started sch. now, for someone who have not studied for the last 5 years, sch is a problem.

1. i forgot my communication theories
2. i forgot my research methodologies

my week is over before i can even whine! and then there's work. too much to do, too little time. too much deadlines, too many fat ppl with unreasonable request. and then, there's yoga. finding a suitable yoga center is a pain. yesterday i went for a beginner's class at a center. i didnt break into a sweat. but today, i'm aching. either i'm too quick to judge the intensity of the workout, or i'm plain out of shape.

and then there's the stress of being on the road. i scratched labu again. sigh.

and holiday planning is a pain. where / when do i start?

endless rambling when i should be sleeping. so sleep i shall.

if our week started on SAturday, i'll say that i had a good start to the week.

got word yesterday that a friend ended his climb prematurely due to back pain. its a pity. i hope his ok.

tujuh syawal

2010-09-16T22:03:00.001+08:00

today, we said goodbye to pak unggal. after 8 months of finding out that he is in the last stage of lung cancer, he gave up his fight today.

tatty bear says

2010-09-03T23:44:00.001+08:00

today

2010-09-02T23:23:00.003+08:00

i am reminded that life is precious. always treasure ur love ones and never take them for granted.

i realise never to jump to conclusion. technology fails but human relationship shouldnt.

i realise that one should say what one means, even if it sounds cheesy. because if you dont say it, the other person wont know.

i am thankful for the love i have, even if more than 3,000km away.

today on, i promise want to treat everyone right. i want to make amends. i want to make the effort.

i will start by doing my baby visits, starting saturday.

bear's getting a small bike. nothing too big or noisy i said.

hanging by a moment

2010-08-26T00:01:00.002+08:00

the heat is on and i'm starting to feel the tension mounting. in Chris Martin's wise words "nobody said it was easy" and that line is playing in my head like a broken record.

Its getting frustrating. no news is good news? not exactly. i have been looking at all possible news platform and channels and i cannot get anything! i'm worried sick yet i am unbelievably calm. i am very confuse.

i just know that its ok but at the same time, i cant let it go without hearing word about the situation. that's the state of confusion, panic, shock, incoherent and messed up one can feel at the same time.

there's a good explanation. if only we can sleep tonight.

crazy

2010-08-22T23:56:00.000+08:00

if crazy runs in the family, i'm doomed.

matahari-ku

2010-08-17T22:06:00.003+08:00

i am looking forward to November ever since work is rolling downhill. Even Europe in September has lost its appeal. I'm not a repent traveller, just a practical one. I was thinking, 3 weeks instead of 2 to get my zen back. What's worrying is, i may not have internet for 3 weeks and i doubt blackberry works. A back-up is very much needed. I thought about it, even if i am contacted by phone, i might not get a ticket back that easily. So yes, back-up.

And about time i live up to my break. I cant possibly be working during break time, can i? NO i cant! I need to spend time with the yaks and find the yeti. and do yoga and eat potato bread.

i can so find myself talking about my holiday for many many many blog entries to come. so if you have been reading, feel free not to read till i return in Dec. Actually next Feb might be a better idea cos i'll probably be gushing till Jan. And then i'll find new amusement in Feb. and then i'll get repetitive again.

I dont promise lukla dispatches. in fact i doubt you'll get details. heh

climbing season starts in less than a month.

i am starting to wonder, if the yeti is actually a mountain girl waiting for her mountain boy / boys / yak to return. but since the wait can be really long, she starts to grow hair everywhere. and since she didnt bring her shaver or scissors (because she didnt think the wait will get too long), and she got tired of biting them with her teeth, she lets them grow out, and ta-dah - the yeti is discovered.

you think?

i'll ask boy friday during arm wrestling session. that's the only way i can win - distract him and catch him unaware.

dunno wat a yet is? go to the mountaineering museum. they have a life size model!!!!

confirm

2010-08-15T04:26:00.001+08:00

indeed, there is no internet in lukla. namche has. namche is a day's walk (on average)

or a week for me.

conspiracy.

i rest my case.

its 4.30 am. i'm wide awake. in a few mins, moo moo's alarm clock will sound. its time to get up for sahur.

filling time

2010-08-13T19:11:00.002+08:00

wasting time waiting for iftar. i realise that the older you get, the lesser "selamat berpuasa" messages you get. this year, i got none from SMS, 1 from work email. doesnt bother me, but got me thinking, is this how it will be as we get older? *shrug*

I was looking at J's pictures of Japan earlier. i want to go. this year. even for a week. I'm thinking, a week in nov. or maybe 3 weeks, if the other trip doesnt materialise. its getting too expensive plane tickets these days. maybe. probably.

will be home alone after iftar. sissy is off for YOG duties. do you know that she designed something for her school for YOG? my sissy is a superstar!!

i cant get japan out of my head.

damn pictures!!

ok, azan.

chika chika boom

2010-08-08T15:27:00.002+08:00

last night brought happy memories while waiting for B&S to start. the foyer was having traditional malay music performances and i managed to catch 3 songs by the late Saloma and (not late) M Daud Kilau (David Sparkle if you may) and the late P Ramlee.

For a moment, i forgot how much i love traditional pop songs. Saloma still wins my bet for being the most beautiful malay woman, or rather how a malay woman should be like. Svelte, demure and full of sex appeal. Ok, a lot of ppl will fight me on the last point. Hey, my opinion, my blog, nak gaduh, tepi sudah.

Today, i ran a playlist of the old songs, right from Gelora - OST one of the Bujang Lapok series, Bila Larut Malam (remembering the days my skinny sister Ann would dance to this), and happy wedding songs. This song, says it all, for now:

And let me say this again, they dont make movies and songs like they use to.

If there's a film module in school i'm gonna take it. I had a good time doing it with RMIT.

thank you

2010-08-08T01:34:00.002+08:00

for looking over bear and i.
for making it easier despite everything that can tear it apart.
for keeping it together despite not being together.
for everything that had happened
for planning it, when we were not

its 1 today. i told bear.

offshore vs onshore

2010-08-07T10:54:00.002+08:00

LadyC and i contemplated life over a cold cup of tea and kopi o siew tai. Then we plotted to get me out of a mess. on both accounts, we were unsuccessful, cos we complained too much and got too distracted.

At night, like 2 eager new couples, we tested out the new gadget she got. "Why does it feel like i'm dating you?" i asked. "Hahaha i feel the same", she said.

Eager beavers we are, there's someone to understand the madness and sacrifices, lack of sleep and extra resources.

everyone's (ok 2 persons so far) pinged me about the big scandal. chill la sistas, so he will be getting 40 million and we barely know wat 40k looks like. big deal.

done in a week!

2010-07-28T22:03:00.005+08:00

-UPDATING THIS POST A DAY AFTER THE ORIGINAL ENTRY-

finally finished a book. its been months since i last completed a book. i started on a few, got bored, put down, moved on.

But, i have finished reading a book, and i cried, embarrassing myself on the plane earlier.

i was touched when despite all odds, he summits. i cried more when he called his wife to tell her he was on top of the world and that he was safe. And i couldn't stop crying when he promised her, no more big mountains.

And i continued crying as he descended and recounted his father's journey.

That's the fact of life. Some people's only danger at work is paper cut, or in some cases getting blown to pieces (if you work in a danger zone). Others find work 5 months in a year and you're not guranteed that you'll be back, at all. High altitude mountaineers or porters risk their lives for their clients. and sometimes, they dont even get as much as a 'thank you'.

Couple of weeks back, the mountain boy and i were talking about porters. How, years ago, porters used to be Sherpas from Khumbu, carrying loads up for their clients. Today, porter jobs are taken by Rai's and one other group (pardon the memory lost, i was nursing a mozzie bite during the conversation). While Sherpas are still part of the ecosystem of climbing, their role has evolved.

The book somewhat renewed my spiritual belief. Jamling talk about buddhism and his growing spiritual health that aided him through-out the climb.

do i need to climb a mountain to find strengthen my spiritual practices and beliefs?

Since 1996, Jamling no longer attempts big mountain peaks, just the small ones, as he promised his wife, Soyang. on the 50th anniversary of Everest Summit, he climbed to base camp while Sir Edmund's son summit.

I wasnt sure if it was his passion, the intensity to achieve something and staying alive at the same time, or his love for his wife that struck a (crying) chord with me. I felt him. and i hope never to be in Soyang's position, ever.

Totally irrelevant note: I'm starting to think there is no internet in Lukla, or i'm online at the wrong hour.

love

all grown up

2010-07-26T23:24:00.002+08:00

over time, i have grown up while on the roads, either that, or its another round of cynicsm.

Stepping into the hotel today, i amazed myself. its a beautiful room and has one of those see thru bathrooms. i never once took out my camera. rewind a few years back and it would have been trigger happy time.

some things dont change though, one of the first few stops - the supermarket. i got 2 packs of fruits and cup noodles. suddenly eating out alone wasnt appealing. so here i am, first night, eating cup noodles with fruits and watching season 4 of weeds.

bliss.

owww

2010-07-25T13:16:00.002+08:00

not the haha-kinda owww.
its owww, my fingers are burnt, my i got rope burnt on the same spot for 2 days and the bruise is not getting better burnt.

but the good thing is, i'm more agile, i complete my walls (though not route, yet), and i no longer make excuses (that my ass is too big to move).

i so need a massage. owww...

the wall at safra yishun is recruiting, i asked if it was permanent post, but sadly no. its event basis.

oh well, we need to look harder, or for that window which i can so feel, is opening.

ok, climbing.

there's no turning back

2010-07-24T11:13:00.002+08:00

yesterday, a good friend took a step forward and moved on to a new challenge. i am proud of her. in a week, new life starts for her and i know that she'll be strong to face that challenge. go on babe, it can only get better :)

halfway thru reading "touching my father's soul". its an easy read book, it talks alot about faith, love, strength and buddhism. Its a good read, i wasnt expecting superstitions and religious practices so it is a pleasant surprise.

reading the book makes me understand the trial and tribulations of a group leader and sherpa. its not easy living their life, carrying their load (no pun intended) but they live in good humor, taking life easy, a day at a time. but Jamling made me understand that some people belongs to the mountain. Its also an easy read since i could visualise his path, well kinda, since i have been to lukla and beyond. But the stupa at boudha and swayambu, i can see myself in his trail as he writes his story.

talking to pemba bai now.

how do you take the mountain away from the mountain boy?

2010-07-21T22:44:00.003+08:00

this afternoon i bought the book by Jamling Norgay.

this evening i learnt that there may only be 2 seasons left before the 'license' gets taken away.

Was i shocked? absolutely.
was it disappointing? yes
is this good news? i have no idea.

so this year, there will be a new number 8 for the lead climbing competition.

water in lukla is scarce and heated water is probably limited. so to prepare myself, i shall not shower twice a day from now on. i will start with showering twice a week.

good luck smelling me.

packing

2010-07-17T16:35:00.002+08:00

i have a hate relationship with watching people pack. it probably started years ago when i ended my first real human relationship (the non-human relationship always ends up with me burying them). I watched that person pack his bags. i didnt do anything to stop it. i watched.

In a totally different place with a different person, G (let's call the person that) must have at least watched me pack 3 times. A few days back, the table turned. it was my turn to watch G pack. Actually it's probably the second but the first dont count cos i was packing too. It made me sad. We call it the 5 minutes packing. I take at least 30 mins and G takes 5 mins, and that includes the time needed to wash up.

I am too slow for my own good.

a lost doll

2010-07-14T22:46:00.001+08:00

in a chalet out there, sits a doll.
somewhere near the himalayas, there sits a girl, without a doll.

Really boys! REALLY!!!

lamps, all sorts of lamps

2010-07-14T20:54:00.003+08:00

was channel surfing when i heard a familiar voice came on. fiddle with the remote control since the tv didnt show pictures for the HD option. It was Erlend. *love*

being a tour guide is a full time job. its commitment and lost of sleep but its only worth the while with great company.

The boys left this morning. Suddenly, there's a void in life. 2 weeks here and another 2 there, but after months of separation, it seems that time did not past while we were away.

It started at phuket. "we'll meet at 3pm at jungceylon. wait for me." i said. I nearly missed the flight. i panicked.

They were there, waiting. they look like they belong. if only they spoke thai.

Back home, we met up with another. The group is balanced. The plan was 4 nights, "there's nothing to do in singapore". But it became 10 nights. it wasnt easy. they moved 5 times in 10 days. rooms are too expensive, so they had to move from 2 chalets, a cousin's place, a hotel and a backpacker's place. But they did. "Do you want us to extend till Saturday so we can do the museum night together?" I shrugged. It was too much to ask.

Their holiday is unlike other holidays. Just like my holiday, wasnt like other holidays.

They taught rock climbing, they became assistants for a climbing competition, they canoed with the kids, capsized their canoe and the kids followed suit. And one even got a trip to NTU while the other had to be a witness to a car accident.

One of our favourite spot is the beach. We'll sit and look up to the moonless sky. The stars aint bright but we aint complaining. He knows that my most favourite thing to do is to spot stars. We did that in Chitwan, in the middle of winter.

We talked. We laughed. We didnt make plans. But we know that if we really want to and we try hard enough, the plans that we didnt make will come true.

And then came the last night. When 2 boys packed 2 ropes, quick draws, shoes and harness and it fills half of their 80 liters backpack, we have a problem. Especially if the boys had been shopping. Bigger problem.

So what do you do? You ask to keep your ropes with a fren and ask her to bring it along in November. When the fren says no, you blackmail.

Boy Friday blackmailed me!!! While looking at shoes, we saw baby crocs. "This will be good for Nima. He just had a baby remember?".

"Sure" i said.

"But i dont have space in my bag. Will you keep my rope?"

Stares at him. "You want me to WHAT? And i have to bring it to Lukla?"

"it's ok then. it was going to be for the baby......." *puss in boots face*

"That's blackmail!!!" i shrieked in the middle of the shopping mall.

He made a face.

A rope btw weighs about 2 - 3 kg and fills up the bottom of ur bagpack!

And this morning, i almost had to bring back a barbie doll!!

Seriously boys! Next time, i am going to adopt a kid and you bring that kid back for me!

Boy Friday said i should trek to Namche. "With my sister" I dont want to take you there. I'll get scolded again.

@#$%^$&$%^$%#

just one chance, just one breath, just in case there's just one left

2010-07-06T22:52:00.002+08:00

And i miss you, been far away for far too long
i keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if i don't see you anymore

So keep breathing cause i'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it, hold on to me and never let me go

sunday night dance

2010-07-05T04:17:00.002+08:00

2 hours to getting up and i'm barely falling asleep. spent the last few hours being the food guide, as the boys call it. lucky for me, thrs the other teacher was there to be my co-guide.

tonight was fun, dancing to jive talking, prata at 2am and walking at little india to find a cheap backpacker at 3am. 4am and blogging from my bed.

Phuket was fun. i deflowered 2 of em to macdonalds and seafood. i tink they're a bit scared of me at meal times. Boy Friday even wondered why i eat alot more in phuket than in ktm. *shrug* not a fan of dhal bhat perhaps?

tomorrow, henderson bridge and a picnic of some sort. but the co guide is doing it. thank god for youth day. Will have to skip yoga. guide duties.

india in july is cancelled. Lukla's calling in oct. i might even (fly) to namche cause honestly, no sensible guide can take my grumbling about walking / trekking for 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 days. number of days varies with speed.

But now, i need sleep.

coffee talk

2010-06-30T23:46:00.002+08:00

i will need that coffee tomorrow cause i cant sleep now and i will need to sleep tommorrow.

WHAT DOES MY BOSS WANT TO TELL ME OVER COFFEE????

oh god, i can feel my heart beating, too fast.

good luck iGeek. have fun at lunch!

the first :)

2010-06-27T23:29:00.002+08:00

i bought my first harness, carabina, belaying device, chalk bag and climbing shoes yesterday. then i climb 2 1/2 walls and bouldered on 2 walls. this sport is burning a hole in me pocket but i am sure its worth it. i will have to buy less clothes and bags and spend my saturdays at the wall.

my arms are still aching.

yoga is goin to kill.

let's fast forward to thursday, thrs somewhere i need to be. the shoes and harness are coming along, i tink. let's hope i gather enuf guts to climb a real wall.

I'm excited about going. havent felt this way in a while. i tink its the company, the sand and the sun. and the.....

Love

songs for happy shiny people

2010-06-21T23:18:00.002+08:00

If you want to date a man who will sing this for you (or is thinking of learning how to play a guitar so he can play it for you), please date my friend. If you ask, i will fix you up.

i told him i cant stomach such happy song all the time. it messes up my system. that my friends, is the difference between happy shiny people and dark lonely souls.

This is more me. Its like crying over hardened momo. sad and no words to describe.

My friend (totally different one than the above mentioned and yes, i have more than 1 friend. thank you for thinking about that!) is obsessed with finding good hummus and my friend, i shall call the hummus hunter is making me dig out my list of hummus to recommend. all these years of eating chick peas, did not go to waste. i have however exhausted my hummus list, i shall now get him started on babaganoush.

*tap finger*

I can only think of that wonderful place in Vienna that sells these stuff with flat bread.

Ok, time to plan a trip to the land of hummus. shouldnt have suggested it. now all the little idiot is asking is when are we going!?

when the girls are out

2010-06-20T14:27:00.000+08:00

while mum and the sisters were out, pumpkin took me on a ride, to a forgotten part of town, or as i call it, the last standing kampung. actually i tagged along with dad. he had an errand.

Sitting on that table, feeding mozzies, across the man we call "pak laura of kampung buangkok", i realise that i've never known how he looks like. his youngest looks so much like him. he aged so gracefully.

The house, is made of wood, its a kampung afterall. he has 2 roosters both wakes him up for subuh he says. his prize winning caged bird hanging in living room. once, a big dog entered the premise, i squeaked, dad spotted it. he chased it out.

i asked, is the govt taking back the land? dont know, a few years ago there were talks about it, then not anymore.

i plan to visit it in the day, cant really see much at night. how cool isit to be living in a kampung at this day and age???

aiiiiiiiiiiiii don no

2010-06-18T23:03:00.002+08:00

the planets are aligned, to stop me from traveling. i no longer feel it, i know it. so, i will be making plans, and not telling anyone. if i'm gone, i'm gone. so, i might not be telling, but thats not because i dont love you, but really, its to trick my planets. although i really shldnt cos planets are there to guard.

i'm looking for a place in the west. decided, i will go for it. no point driving and risking my already shortened life.

so, house hunting, here i start.

pieces of me

2010-06-12T01:23:00.001+08:00

Oh
Sad young man
I think I need you for reasons I don't know

If I can make you stay
Convince you you'd be lost if we were torn apart
If it remained unclear between the two of us
Which one would be the one to break the other's heart

This will floor me differently than any drug that's washed me into sleep

i'm not being dramatic
i am drama

$150 for belle and sebastian is BS!

2010-06-09T21:49:00.002+08:00

seriously, people actually listen to belle and sebastian? I have to start listening to trash pop if this is wat kids are listening to! i mean seriously, when coldplay first played, they only had like 3 people, and now, we cant even get decent tickets, 5 days after the sale!

mark my works, BS will be sold out by 6pm tomorrow. BS!!!

So anyway, what i'm about to write is earth shattering, and yes, you read it here, first.

I'm making a big step towards commitment. *deep breath*

In a few weeks, i will be taking a trip with 6 people and that includes 1 stranger. Its not a tour group or anything of that sort, just friends who will be travelling to this region and have asked me to go along. Its extremely nerve wrecking, but i think its something i need to do, for me, for us. The plan is to cover 2 countries before heading it back to SG. Plans are not firmed, i'm playing the princess and waiting for things to get planned and done. I just need to show up!

I'm doing something about my weird-ness and pushing to shelf negative energies. From now, i'm putting my 'alone time' in a big big big bubble and blowing it away.

And i'm pushing the shesha bong out. the thing is giving me bad throat.

so, love :)

its all about time management

2010-06-07T23:49:00.002+08:00

and i dont have time management,

So, i might not hit nepal this year. even my frens are telling me not to. "u've been to Nepal twice havent you?"

......

instead, Thailand and Malaysia. to climb perhaps. or just chill out and do nothing.

plan leave plan leave plan leave.

an addiction

2010-06-05T13:57:00.002+08:00

i have a yoga addiction. i need to go for yoga, i want to go for yoga and i'm freaking out that whn sch starts i cant go for yoga!

i am addicted!

So was having lunch with Chrissy yesterday and was talking about sch and life and how i will pretty much have a busy non-social life bla bla bla and she shared, that she was the top student in her Uni class!! and she and i was probably in the same graduating ceremony!! how cool is that, right?

its nice to talk to someone who had gone thru the same sch shit i had. work, sch, work sch, work, sch.

And she gives good advise too. she reminded me to take things slow and not be overly zillious with module planning. yes, its nice getting advise to keep my head leveled.

so, here's the plan, on weekdays where i dont have sch, i will go for yoga. and the yogi is opening up a weekend class too, so i'll sign up for that, in case i cant make it for weekday class.

hmm... and i have decided to head back for yoga retreat at the Himalaya. either i do a stay in retreat for a couple of days or i do daily classes in the evenings and teach in the mornings. i thought about going back to the boarding sch cos the kids are adorable but i think i shld spread out the love. Thrs a school in Swayambunath that gives free education to kids in the neighborhood. I'll probably give that a try.

And i've asked pemba bai to chk out a few places for me. now, to get my leave approved.

after death, then what?

2010-06-04T15:39:00.000+08:00

A little boy from my neighbourhood passed on yesterday. He was 23. I have seen him around since he was in kindergaten. Cause of death is unknown. He left his parents and an elder sister behind. He is a good boy. More importantly, his ann's peer. Her age.

When I got the news, I told mum, at least he won't live a life of sin. Early departure, lesser sin accumulation. Mum had different ideas. If his older, he can make up for his sin. She said. More importantly, think about those whom he left behind. I was too scared to tell her that I tink about death all the time. And that I never thought of those whom I will leave behind, for fear that she will shake me up and ask if I have steel whr my heart shld be.

She has a point. After death, its no longer about us. Its about who we leave behind.

I think its the weather. Its giving me death emo, no longer heartbreak emo.

Oh wait. No heart, so no more breaking here.

damnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnit

2010-06-03T00:20:00.003+08:00

i am too scared to move. the signs are screaming.
i am too scared to think. cos this is the move forward i'm asking for.
so please, give me strength to take this on.
even if its the wrong sign, give me strength to make it right
i dunno what i should do
i'm too scared to even think about it. oh wait, i have said this
maybe i shall talk this over pancakes.

my space is cluttered. my space has a lot of negative energy. too much
i hate negativity and its clouding me. my space.
so excuse me while i clear my air
and put those of you in a bubble and blow you away. for now, for good?
sorry. but too much negativity, its making me restless.
ok, ohm session on friday.
i need my to go for reiki healing.
apparently a healer cant heal herself.
this is screwed up.

nuts are no good for ur tum tum

2010-05-30T17:06:00.002+08:00

it makes you fart and halfway thru a movie, you run to take a dump.

and that's why i missed out about 10 mins of SATC yesterday. Jen and i deprived a real couple from their couple seat because Jen doesnt know wat a couple seat is and single seats are to close to the screen. instead of chair handles between us, we had a large popcorn, 2 packs of nuts and lots of nudging. well, i nudged, at pretty scenes.

Actually, i am starting to think that its the pasta we ate before the movie that forced me for the toilet break.

Yesterday morning, fi, fi's sis and i took a drive to see horses and sinful pancakes. then i realise i miss coldbar. and i realise i will miss fi whn she gets married. oh well, from now till then....

have to plan module for school. and do school-y stuff. i'm excited. i need a real holiday.

my stomach hurts. ouch.

moo moo and papsy seems to have forgotten i'm waiting at home for them to go to the hospital. family emergency again. i hope we wont have to say goodbye to another one so soon.

"i'll go if you have wii"

2010-05-28T00:20:00.002+08:00

over sheesha and mezza tebagi (sheesha for me, food for boy), we talked about my options - car vs a place in jurong. i asked boy if he will visit if i get a place in jurong. he said yes, if i had wii. i asked if he was crazy.

and i told him about the power of whining. then he told me it didnt work on him. yes, i remember.

then we talked about his bare bodied prancing. he said, it was construction. i said, u didnt see the girls stripping did u? he gave me a dirty look.

boy, oh boy.

cancelled plans to bakso with iGeek. found out that i had a video shoot tomorrow morning. great. a hot date with she then.

all right. will not drive tomorrow. too senget now after 2 hours of smoke.

its back to school!

2010-05-25T20:32:00.002+08:00

that's right, i have been accepted for the masters program *screammmmm*

so, i need a new bag, new set of stationaries, a nice notepad and a car.

and season parking lot at work.

or...

maybe, i can rent a place at godforsaken jurong, and save on car. spend on rent, vs spend on car.

or... i shld really just work off jurong and never leave jurong area

or... i can just sleep at the terminal. they wont know, right?

oh shit-ho... yoga how??

headstand gone wrong

2010-05-24T21:12:00.003+08:00

and i might have pulled out a few strands of hair during that attempt.

i tink its about self confidence, which i obviously didnt have. no confident. thought i might break my neck.

the air con man is coming tomorrow. whoooheee!!

time to rejuvenate! hello angeline! but no more aura-soma. i need the pendulum to clean my energy blockages and help me sleep at night. and maybe jin shin to heal. we'll see.

the hour and the half that seemed to last

2010-05-23T22:52:00.003+08:00

my udon session is never the same without my favourite therapist. today she gave me great tips to follow before yog session. and i took the train to bishan and back amk. then i cab. hey, its an achievement all right?

then she asked if i gained weight. ouch.

its hard shopping for clothes these days. i cant find anything to my liking. i tried, but nothing inspiring came up. sad.

i have a new pet lizard in my room. it wakes me up at wee hours in the morning. i'm looking for ways to chase it out.

wardrobe full of clothes with nothing to wear for the lunch date with she.

oh inspiration, come to me.

about moving around

2010-05-23T00:38:00.004+08:00

for a while now i have been talking about attaching myself to the terminals. it has not happened yet. and i have the MD asking me every now and then on when it will be.

Then i realise that i do not need to be at the terminal if i hang around the terminal folks long enuf. dont make sense? its like this. when i hang around ppl, ppl talk about work. i learn fast by listening to ppl talk about work. that way, i increase my social network and i learn about work, without being at the terminal!

I would really want to be at the terminal though. different affinity with each.

So yesterday, i was 'attached' to she. he gave me a lift to JTH and then back to the office. in between, there was lunch and lotsa small talk. i learn about trucks, i learn about operations setup and i learn that lucasfilm animation is in singapore. hmm...

oh, and that when you're a fireman, you're on duty all the time. ALL the time! even whn ur on local leave.

of volcanic ashes

2010-05-17T23:22:00.001+08:00

meeting postponed for the second time.

oh my mayer
oh my michaelson
oh my keys

oh yea, world expo. now let's see who's playing in shanghai!!

going with the flow

2010-05-16T23:40:00.002+08:00

when one's plan does not take the right turn, all the better.

what was intended to be a fringe trim, ended up in a mop. i am hereby declaring myself as a follower of igeek's mop squad.

i look like ball with swollen nose.

these hands tell a story

2010-05-15T00:27:00.000+08:00

so, of the frivilous (and tad bit spend thrift) ways i spend my days, i learnt an interesting story about me, told by my own hands. And for those who have started conquering images of your friendly neighbourhood palm shifu, stop. this is no fortune telling.

Did you know that if you're a female, your left hand is the hand you're born with, which tells about your character, while your right hand tells about the actual way you lead your life? Now you know.

your fingernails tell about your general state of life, the way you show emotions, and ur abilities. the whirls and swirls on your in-prints tell you about your character, your state of mind, and love. well, kinda.

the hand analysis said a few things about me, i am good with communications, though not about my feelings. i avoid facing my feelings, and you can see the blockages on my hand. i am a procrastinator, not because i am lazy, but because i think buying time will make things right, and that's exactly how i view things. i have short term attention span and is only interested in projects within a short period. yes, this is proven. that's why my wrap up sucks. i am in a state of confusion when it comes to matters of the heart and i cannot commit. i have strong intuition, and i'm using it right. i am starting to let my head rule. i am ignoring my heart.

of these ( i remember), its so darn true. especially when it touches on the procrastinating bit. and i am a critic. i am encouraged to be in communications, probably write a book, use my creativity. that's the struggle i am having.

i was suppose to have a short childhood but somehow i managed to prolong it. the effect probably suppressed my talents which then left me in the state of mess i am in now, frustrated, agitated and constantly searching. but searching for me is the way to keep alive. but lets leave that for another entry.

my hands have spoken. i am born to be a procrastinating hippy. i'm no indie, i'm a hippy!!!

and i freak care about the spelling errors.

the one about cool parents

2010-05-09T12:44:00.003+08:00

many many years back, i was an active youth volunteer at a mosque. I took care of the publicity for the youth group and one of the portfolio i held was to recruit more youth volunteers.

Last night, i caught up with an old friend who reminded me of all these, which i had forgotten, old age and lack of lecithin is my excuse. He was reminiscing on the good old times and asked me if i remembered a ta'aruf event. No, i didnt, i told him, and i dont even know what that arabic term meant. The he said, recruitment drive, and it was your project. Right. Then, flood gates opened, memories gushed in.

He remembered that my papsy turned up for the event, volunteering to be the official photographer of the day. Yes yes, i nodded. Paps was there, so was my late cousin (god bless her soul) and my mum and younger sister. Then he said, you dad looked so fierce, no one dared approached him. But his a cool dude you know, fierce looking but his a softie, i said. Yea, his pretty ok if he smiles, otherwise, fierce, friend said. His a nice guy. He added.

Mumsy on the other hand, now has a new travel mate, my friend, whom i think enjoys mumsy's company more than mine.

I have cool parents. Its nice when a friend tells you that.

love.

my red sky in my mornings

2010-05-07T22:36:00.002+08:00

my bahini was very sick growing up. she was frail, she had frequent asthma attacks and it wasnt fun watching her like that. moo moo is a strong woman. she takes care of our diet, she makes sure we take little sugar and ice cream is not an everyday affair.

Bahini, given her condition wasn't allowed to eat chocolates, chips or even oranges, basically anything that triggers off her attack.

One day, she came home from school and she related what happened earlier that afternoon. She told me that she passed by a cake shop and saw the beautiful display of cakes. She marveled at how pretty they were and how delicious it must have tasted. I cant remember if she bought 1 just to satisfy her taste craving, but that day was a day for me to remember.

Sometime before that, i read the book "Red Sky in the morning" for our lit class. The story is about Anna who has a handicapped brother. In one chapter, Anna, probably 14 then, had her first pay cheque from working part time at a nearby store. On her way home, pocket full of shillings, she walked pass a bakery and was caught by the strong whiff of freshly baked cakes. She walked in and bought the biggest cake. She didn't care that she spent all her money, she didn't care that the cake was probably too big for her mum, Ben and herself. Because, she knew that Ben, despite of his inability to be normal was going to enjoy digging his hand into the chocolate cake and smearing it on his face. Ben died later in the story, and i know that she has no regrets spending her first pay cheque that way.

Sometime in between finishing the book and growing up, i walked pass that cake shop that bahini mentioned. I walked in and bought an assortment of cakes and puffs. No, i don't have a handicap sibling, but i have a childhood where i watched someone i love suffer. Together, she and i looked at pretty things, things we can only see but not taste.

Till today, every time i walk pass that cake shop, i make it a habit to peer in. i longer buy them, because it will go to waste, but it was for good memory sake. Often, i teased my bahini, on how she was my 'ben' and if i do end up buying cakes, she's to blame. She'll roll her eyes and smile. it is a bond we share.

the habit has unknowingly spread and made its way into my daily routine. yesterday, someone said i had a thing about kueh kueh. i buy them, lots of them. i thought about the statement and yes, she was so damn right about it. whether or not it has something to do with my 'ben', or perhaps, just my love for feeding people, is something i will probably not bother to find out.

good things are meant to leave as legacy. this is one book that has probably changed my life, and i hope its for the better.

x

no name

2010-05-05T23:19:00.001+08:00

i must stop acting weird. that should be my motto for 2010.

shouldnt be hard to achieve. 4 months have passed anyway.

stop acting weird. i'll leave responsibility to next year.

getting zen back

2010-05-05T21:50:00.002+08:00

i rush off from work every monday and wednesday. I take a cab, breaking my no cab rule in the evening for both days. Some days, i munch on avocado turkey sandwich. Other times, i carry a cold bottle of ribena soda. All these just to get zen back into my zen-less life. Its a wonder what an hour yoga can do. ooohhhmmmmm

today, after class, i walked into that little cafe. The one that a family friend owns. Someone i used to swim with, who is probably a year older than me, has a own cafe. That, is responsibility!!

But i digress. This post is not about my irresponsible life. Its about getting zen back.

And zen, is not far away. Because, zen, is taking me to a yoga retreat sometime later this year!!

More cleansing! more yoga! more head stands!!!

ohhhmmmm

remind me please...?

2010-05-01T19:23:00.002+08:00

if 2009 was the year to just do it, what are we suppose to do this year?

4 months have past and into the fifth month, it slipped my mind.

bring the lecithin and gingko in. the brain aint working.

was telling shiplover in the car today, the whole "i'm still shortlisted" is killing me. When oh when can i get pass being shortlisted??

Papsy has plans. i have my own. Mumsy aint objecting. that's good right? Baby steps. but with their blessings (at least without their objection), the path should be smooth now. And this is what i really really want, right? Yes.

Moo moo's day celebration next week. Not getting moo moo anything this year. A simple meal for the moo moos of our life. If the cousin aint cleaning some rig, he'll be coming along.

Growing up is fun.

sometimes dreams do come true

2010-04-24T01:16:00.001+08:00

its like i know that at the back of my mind, the time is right. and true enuf. it is right.

love.

lethargic

2010-04-20T21:43:00.002+08:00

been feeling very tired lately. weeks back i blamed it on the event. no, i blame it on me.

yoga seems to be helping. but distance and bad traffic kept me away from the 2nd lesson.

i need to rest. i need to think less of wanderlusting. the wander bug has to stay down. the body needs to recover. the reserves is drying up too. if school comes thru, the reserves have to be re-channeled.

Let's see. it will work out as it always does.

He wrote this after his marriage fell apart. Once they were indonesia's power music couple. he has moved on since, she found out the man she left him for is still married to his ex wife.

yok ke jogja?

2010-04-17T16:43:00.003+08:00

Am watching a travel segment with my parents on Jogjakarta. Do you know that you can ride horse carriages in Jogja? No joke! and i dont its gonna cost much either. And i really really wanna go to Tangkupan perahu, the inactive volcano. And i can ride a horse there!

Waduh, so many indonesian islands / cities i wanna go. i tink i want to dedicate 2010 and 2011 as "Visit Indonesia Year".

and it'll be way cheaper than europe.

hmmm...... *twitch nose*

If only twitching can get me to places.

tracing his footsteps

2010-04-14T23:53:00.003+08:00

in the midst of the drama today, mum said something that sent warmth down my butterfly tum tums.

"Yayi used to talk about that place. He sailed to that port. So did Wak Kamis i think"

To think that the spots i stood on could have been the same path my granddad used to take more than 40 years ago.

"Looks like one of his granddaughter is following his footstep. She's not a sailor though"

"Maybe if i'm a boy. Girls dont sail"

Today, i am reminded that someone is watching over me. Things shook up and i kept thinking it could have been me. but it wasnt me and i'm thankful.

its also a reminder to settle outstanding matters. because, life's just like day.

macam biscuit, sekejap ada, sekejap tak de.

love love

unsettling

2010-04-09T23:22:00.003+08:00

thr's an unsettling feeling. as if i needed more. sure, i lead a comfortable life, great job, family, luxuries, travel. but its just not enough. and i dont mean i need more $$ or more travel, its not that.

some years ago i went on a spiritual journey in search of something. i found it. i left it. i lost it. i need to start that journey again. that will probably help.

i've been thinking of moving away again. to live abroad for a bit. a few years perhaps. these are thoughts that visit me, every now and again. the journey of discovering, starting over, new environment, the uncertainty.

i know, weird that i'm looking forward to the unknown huh?

but will that be too soon? i just started the new place, i've yet to learn and discover my job. isit too early to ask to move? i cant ask for a relocation here either because, well, it simply doesnt make sense. i'm not one to settle.

i'm walking a road of broken glass. its never been easy.

its a war between the present and the past.

hajur, ali ali bolchhur

2010-03-22T22:40:00.003+08:00

next time, i need to say more than Dhanyabard.

Next time, i want to say

"Subha prabhat. Meero naam Juni ho. Mero Ghara Singapore ho. Dherai Dhal bhat mitho chha"

And then i shall attempt Sherpa tea, again.

That settles it. Lulka, here i fly.

declaration of dependance

2010-03-21T01:19:00.002+08:00

yesterday, i caught KOC for the second time in Singapore. Unfortunately, boy and i were 30 mins late, and we didnt really get in the groove of things till much later.

i much preferred their first gig. they were a lot of emo and a lot more light headed. sober performance are just not as entertaining as non sober ones.

i didnt cry yesterday. the mood just wasnt there. and boy might just slap me. when they played "Renegade", i bit my lips. I could have broken down there and then, but firstly i was too far from the stage to get too overly emo. and, boy would really really slap me! so i just bit my lips till i tasted blood.

I am an emotional cutter. my scars are well hidden. songs like tat make me wanna dive deep into my comforter and hide myself away. not many people will understand. i have started to think that its not so much about what i've gone thru, but more so that i was born like this. yes, i enjoy it.

you probably wont understand how anyone can bawl at "i'm letting you go to see if you'll hold on to me". But gang, it strikes me on a deep deep chord. not fun.

the gig was disappointing. maybe cause the first was overly awesome.

And the new generation of indie kids just aint the same. in the wise wise words of boy, we used to be the young indie kid. now, we've grown. so true.

But really, they dont make indie kids like they use to :)

once upon a time, many many years back, kids wore black, jeans, sneakers and their broken soul to gigs, now, they wear their brands. they try.....to hard.

someone once said "gigs nowadays aint the same".

Sad. i do miss the music fests from 3 - 4 years back.

boy and i had dinner at arab st afterwards. sit inside, he said. i threw him a dirty look.

boy's chatty. he wasnt like this all the time. he met a familiar face earlier yesterday, at a place i least expect. we talked about that. we shared tea, we share choco pudding. we talked about my infatuation with a boy 5 years younger. trust boy to remember.

later at night, he posted "i rather dance with you than talk with you". I commented "so why dont we just move into the other room....". He countered ""cut to the chase :) getting into the swing, getting into the swing...."

next up, imogen heap. did she use to sing for explosions in the sky?

like no other drug has floored me before

2010-03-18T22:01:00.002+08:00

Pemba Sir made blog-line about leading a group:

http://mountainmadnessinc.blogspot.com/2010/02/k2-rescuer-pemba-gyalje-sherpa-to-lead.html

And Pemba sir has his own website! http://www.pemba.com.np/

He too went for high mountain rescue training. At this point of time, so are the boys.

and i've watched him rock climb. the man glides on the wall!

why am i calling him sir? sheese

i so want to go back there.

this blog is not dead

2010-02-16T23:12:00.002+08:00

the author is uninspired. In between mint tea and smokes, good conversation and bad music, i realise that i miss writing. But here's the thing, i'm not so much about pouring my heart into cyberspace, and work's not much to talk about now because well, i cant talk about it.

I'll think of something to write. In the meantime...

"Relaku menunggu mu, seribu tahun lama lagi
Tapi benarkah hidup ku kan selama ini
Biar berputar utara selatan
Ku tak putus harapan
Sedia setia..."

credits to my neighbour.

Oh i thought of something. Chris Martin's out of the door, welcome Ashton Kutcher!

Oh and ... i'm gonna go out with younger man. Like i told Fran, 15 years is illegal so i shall look at 5 years younger. That's right! Oh younger man..

*burp* had a full dinner

the thing i missed

2010-01-16T00:33:00.000+08:00

it dawned on me that its been more than 12 months since i last produced a show. a proper production. the hands tied kucing kurap production 6 months back dont count. it doesnt come close to anything spectacular i was part of previously.

the lights, the sound, the set, the stage, the mad rush, the setup, the no sleep, the adrenaline rush, the mistakes, rectifying the mistakes, finding missing speakers, missing speakers and the list goes on...

the most important... crew. the crew makes all the difference. because the crew is my extended family. of which nothing can happen. nothing.

the things the crew had done for me. the things we had gone thru together. the shit, the laughter, the panic. i miss them. all of them.

if you think what goes on in a live show is breathtaking, nothing beats what goes on behind it. Because baby, that's where the fun is. oh.... yea.... :)

and you know why this sudden thought?

because i was looking thru ma'an's production photos and bloody hell, i'm jealous. and i havent felt this jealous in a bloody long time!!!

learn like you'll never leave this world, love like tomorrow is the end

2009-12-24T20:14:00.002+08:00

a roller coaster ride of sorts. i'm on the new job for 24 days now, on the bright side, 6 more days to being paid!!!

Its a different industry. Been adapting to a new environment, new colleagues, a new boss and a new Dowager. I'm liking it so far. Made a couple of observations between the 2 industries, shared with the folks and we had a good laugh.

2010 will be a big year. its time to do it shine in a different way. i've put in many things into my portfolio, now its time to see it thru. 2009 has been relaxing, unlike 2008 where too many things happened.

In a month, i'll be back to where my life ended momentarily some years back. Sometimes, i feel that my circle of life is spinning in front of me, going back and forth, from places to faces. Its hard to understand. Its like a movie that goes out of script but uses the same footage over and over again.

2010 will also be a year of good music. With a great line-up with Mosaic Music and Womad making a comeback, the music and entertainment fund which was barely touched this year will be exhausted before i can finish crooning "stay out of trouble, stay in touch".

I still think i make a relatively good melancholic songwriter. 2009 was the year of just do it. 2010 will be a year of stop procrastinating. No, i still dont do new year resolutions. i just think about them. That's not the same as sitting down and doing it, yes?

There's lots of unanswered questions in 2009 which i intend to leave that way. As years goes, i realise that its life's mystery to leave us with questions. sometimes, its no about getting it answered.

I'm out for a movie with a friend i just made.

New is the new black.

In all aspects.

Love.

the reason why i'm up at 1am on a work night

2009-12-11T01:09:00.002+08:00

www.pop5ickle.multiply.com

For those who have spread the word, thank you.

For those who have bought, thank you.

For those who have not seen, here it is again: www.pop5ickle.multiply.com.

Love.

the window's open now and winter's settles in..

2009-12-06T12:04:00.002+08:00

.. we'll call it Xmas when the adverts begin. I love your depression and i love your double chin. And i love almost everything that you bring into this offering.

You know how some mornings you wake up and feel a pang of pain in your heart? Out of nowhere, for no reason, you sink into a bout of depression and know that sleeping is not an option, its a release, an escape.

I know i've been a liar and i know i've been a fool. I hope we didnt break it, but i'm glad we broke the rules. My cave is deep now yet your light is shining thru. I cover my eyes but still i see is you...

You know how some days you just want to sink back and retreat in self pity, and even the weather agrees? That sometimes its best to sit and stare, and not think? To let the pain numb itself?

I havent felt such pain in a while. Pain these days are inflicted, a track from Damien Rice here, KOC there, RY everywhere, and i'm down to deal with feelings that aint there.

I can be such a melancholic sometimes i think i'll do well as a heartbreak song writer.

Work started, good so far. We've got travelling plans coming up. I'm hoping to go to a newly commissioned terminal to get down and dirty. Then there are corporate meetings to attend. New beginning, new fun.

and pumpkin needs a friend.

eventful month

2009-11-30T00:06:00.002+08:00

nov has its ups. and runs. by runs, i mean my running to the loo loo for you know what. travelling has taken a toll on my stomach.

Nevertheless, i have:

1. taken a total of 31 hours bus rides from 4 different occasions

2. sat on an elephant for 3 hours - in one sitting

3. throw up bile and dal bhat in 2 places

4. smelled of sunflower oil for 3 straight days (despite showering and shampooing and lots and lots of shower foam)

5. woke up early, slept early

6. winter itch. #%^#$%^#$% winter itch!!!!!!!

7. trekked. screamed at my guide for making me trek. made him carry my bag while trekking. and even asked him to carry me while we trekked. the last point failed. he threw me a dirty look and called me lazy in a language i understand!!! tsk tsk

8. paraglided. and my pilot even let me fly myself mid-air

9. swore off dal bhat. refer to point 3 if you're wondering why

10. had miffy keep me warm on the lonely winter nights

and the winner

"dont go back if you're gonna miss this place"

........................

insensitive

2009-11-13T20:24:00.000+08:00

deleted the last post as i think it might hurt some ppl.

the thing is...

2009-11-13T00:44:00.002+08:00

i have yet to write about backpacking in Laos and Thailand. Been rather unmotivated. Been home for 3 days now, packing up for the Himalayas, thought i should get something down before everything vanishes in my puny memory.

"so baby, what we've got has lately not been enough..." song of the moment. dont really have the time to feel emo but ... oh well.

Anyways, day 1, Vientiane, cycled around town, lost lots of water weight. normal road terrain but up hill (killer) and downhill (breeze)

Day 2, 10 hour bus ride to Luang Prabang, forced myself NOT to throw up. The girl sitting behind me didnt have much luck. puked the whole 10 hours. Met 2 solo traveller, had dinner together

Day 3, chilled out by Mekong river, took a stroll to the morning market, temple, temple, temple, temple (the repetition is to emphasise on the number of temples i visited), sent a postcard home, night market shopping

Day 4, got news on Nepal, booked trip out of Laos for next day. Late morning, booked a tuk tuk, went downhill to the caves along mekong (or was it Khan) river, uphill to the waterfall, watched women weave, made friends with the french couple.

Day 5, watched the locals offer alms to the monk in saffron robes, no shoes, at 13 degrees celcius temperature. made my way to the airport. Arrive in BKK and hated it immediately. Shop shop shop

Day 6, met a girl at breakfast, headed out with her to explore a bit of BKK

Day 7, home. unpacked, laundry

and now, i'm packing for Nepal.

Sounds rather dull? That's because this post was censored la BODOH!!! and i am uninspired!

dah, back to emo mode.

First stop - Popeye Chicken

2009-11-03T07:18:00.003+08:00

never thought i'll be blogging this early in the trip. but the allure of free internet and 12 minutes to boarding makes it irresistible.

Barely 12 hours into the trip, i have lost 1 ziplock bag, have a swollen finger and had a mild panic attack. The hotel confirmation from Avalon Hotel in Vientiane came late yesterday afternoon and was sent to my spam folder. Tsk tsk. It's all good now. Pick up confirmed and i have a place to stay. At least for tonight.

Not in the mood to blog. Not sure if its the booming voice behind me courtesy of Eck's tongzhi or the time (its 7:26am), or my rumbling stomach.

In any case, thanks to the awesome 4 (who ate 12 popeye chicky amongst them) for sending me off yesterday.

You guys rock la!

"i'm dreaming of my nasi lemak on the plane...."

pumpkin

2009-11-01T23:06:00.003+08:00

thought: maybe i should start a blog for pumpkin and write about her adventures, in my own words.

after thought: no, that's too weird. And i'm not crazy like WN!!!!!!!!